There may be some things better than sex, and some things may be worse. But there is nothing exactly like it. -W.C. Fields

Sex is the best thing since sliced bread! – Me

Err, ok! That doesn’t quite add up, seeing how sex preceded sliced bread…But then, you get the picture.

Speaking about what came before what and the past in general; what was sex like for our ancestors? Taking it further down the line, ever wonder how early-man sex went down? Neanderthal make-out? Homo-erectus orgies?? Homo-habilis homosexuals?? (No pun intended).


But i digress!

Ok! Seeing how we’ve already kicked off on such a familiar note, i guess it’s only proper to re-introduce this blogger for posterity sake.

Sensei, alternately and unfortunately known as Joe Heman is your regular run-of-the-mill guy, with a twist of MPD (multiple personality disorder). Equipped with a PhD, and no, i don’t mean the educational qualification if thou catchest my drift (Pretty Huge D***).. **cheesy grin**

Normal day for this brother consists of waking up, baking up, jaming up, writing, baking again, masturbating, facebooking, watching or reading online porn, choking the monkey some more, sleeping.

The cycle continues the next day save for slight variances in which masturbation might come before waking up…. Lol.

I was inexplicably aware of my sexuality at quite an early age; Three years to be precise (i shit you not).  I developed same by grinding on anything F.A.S.H (Female, Alive, Sexy, and Human), looking up skirts, instigating house girls to sexually molest me, etc.

It was a boon growing up in the awareness of the pleasures derived from rubbing your juvenile crotch against that of willing (or unwilling) female genitalia. You would then proceed to jam lips on one another’s for two seconds, and then vigorously and unashamedly rub your lips with the back of your palms in a bid to wipe clean any trace of alien saliva…. Aaaah! The joys of body-fluid exchange yet to be fully understood and appreciated.

…. And so, I spent my childhood exploring the inate, carnal, albeit very natural human instinct, so base in nature, yet so damn enjoyable! Who would have thought at that time that the main course, almighty penetration, lay a short ten years away? And that what I was then doing could be likened to eating groundnut shells while discarding the main nuts? I would simply have refused to acknowledge the existence of a hedonistic realm so deep and so.. so… Fucking frisson! Sheer anticipation of such joyous promises would have overwhelmed my poor head!

Perhaps, for those indignantly incapable of comprehending the inexpressible gratification these juvenile experiences afforded, permit me to take you deeper into the world I lived in as a child growing up in the “glorious 90’s”…

The 90’s rocked!!

Everyone was middle class in our limited reckoning. There was just a slight disparity in income/wealth distribution between families. Your neighbour, even to three streets away, was your family friend, unlike the prevalent lifestyle of anonymity, and extreme pseudo-bourgeois foisted on us by socio-economic advancements and increased western influences.

In the 90’s, children played with children in the neighbourhood; either in the community park, or in your compound. Every family had a kid in your age-group (you know what that meant for young perverts like us? **Big Smile**)

Needless to say, it was a decade conducive for growing up in its entirety!

Proliferation of video game consoles and internet access has spoilt things for kids these days and robbed them of a wonderful childhood experience. Alas, they are even oblivious to this fact (Perhaps it is better they are oblivious).

But please! Away from non-sexual stories…

Let me use this opportunity to lay out the format this series will take.

A· Because we cannot successfully separate love from sex, I “MIGHT” be forced to talk about it “SOMETIMES” ***Rolling eyes in disgusted embarrassment**

B· I WILL lay down with little censoring, my “MODEST” sexual experiences to date. The only consideration that will be given is that of anonymity of the other part(ies)… (Steph, you can breathe easy now, heh heh)…. Graphic nature of some sex scenes will not be tampered with.

C· I will NOT take kindly to people who might feel a need to jerk-off to some of the suggestive stories I will likely lay out. We can very well do without you despoiling cyber-world with your rank jizm splayed all over your computer screen and in some unfathomable way, corrupting the good intentions of the writer, and the finer sensibilities of other “non-wanking” readers. And yes, it corrupts our sensibilities. And yes, we will know, we see you! **angry face**

WARNING: I SHALL also be speaking a lot of “French” (unconventional French that is), for which a lot of pardon may or may not be sought. THIS SERIES IS NOT FOR THE FAINT-HEARTED!!! Goody-two-shoes, off my case!

Next edition, I’ll introduce you to Joe Heman’s(not super-cool, alter-ego sensei) first real sexual encounter of a sexual nature (forgive my unavoidable tautology, its for good reason).

This SERIES is rearing to go like a teenager’s hormones are kicking for some action. Ladies and gentlemen, Nookie time will never be the same!

I solemnly swear to preach the truth. I solemnly swear to reveal all those things you never knew and correct the faulty notions on sex you’ve always had. I will demystify sex.


A guy found himself unable to satisfy his wife. He tried hundreds of methods but just wasn’t able to do the job. He finally went to his best friend and asked for advice. His friend told him not to worry because he knew a method that was 100% successful. He says, “Hire a big strong black man to stand near your bed and waving a huge towel over both of you while you are having sex. This way your wife will be stimulated to have an orgasm.”

The guy hired the strong man, but all efforts were in vain. He went back to his friend and told him what happened. So his friend suggested that they switch places. “Why don’t you wave the towel while the strong man does the job in bed”, says the friend.

He agreed and said that he would do anything to satisfy his wife. He hires the same guy again and this time they trade positions. Needless to say, the woman has a divine orgasm. The husband leans over to the black  guy and says, “You see! That’s how you wave the towel.”

Peace out mortals. 

Categories: Tales By Moonlight

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