Humor is good indeed because when it fails no one laughs at you – Unknown.
Sometime in the not so distant past, I read in the “agony aunt” column of one of the national dailies and the complaint/plea for advice of a lady who claims she was fucking the head of one of those cult-like “churches” in Nigeria, but also had a boyfriend whom she was in love with…and also fucking. She had been warned severally to desist from boinking the “mere mortal”, and had heeded for some time…till she couldn’t take it anymore. So she and her boyfriend are smooching and grinding and getting all “hot and bothered”, and all is well, till he whips out his ding-dong.
…Then her phone rings… And she picks up the call… And the unknown caller simply says, “Don’t do it.” And hangs up.
She didn’t do it…LOL!
Anyways, that is the one singular difference between Joe and that pussy-ass chic. Because of ordinary tracking via crystal-ball, the idiot geh left her poor boyfriend with blue-balls, and denied herself an orgasm (dependent of course on whether her bobo could throw down good)…. Me? I don’t give a fuck if you teleport into my motherfucking room in all your mystic awesomeness… I’m still fucking!
… Just like I’m going ahead to write this piece regardless of Ann v.2.1’s “don’t do it” on me. Yes, she called to warn me on pain of death to STFU, but I have to satisfy my readers, because I’m guessing at least one reader with groupie blood will satisfy me one day! **Hopeful smile**
Ok, before we proceed, lemme give you the bio/stats on Ann II.
Name: Ann ******* a.k.a. Ann II a.k.a. DameFack-a lot.
Occupation: Part-time Ashawo & full-time Marine Spirit.
Age: At least 100yrs old! (She claimed she was 7yrs older than me.. Hah! #Fail!)
Facial Quality: Ugly like Aondoakaa, naija’s former AGF.
Body Type: Cross between Mr. Ibu & Jabba the Hut!
Hobbies: Mammy-water activities and trying to steal destinies.
And it was thanks to my stupid brother that I fell into her evil paws! *angry face*
Apparently, he was “conscripted” into dating her as a mugu jambite (fresher) and the promise and delivery of regular sex soon wore off. The wearing off was accelerated when she confessed to a neighbor/pastor of being a witch or whatever the fuck she declared. So technically, I lost my virginity to a WITCH! *shrugging*
Anyways, me and the chic had been kinda close (as per “in-law” tins), and even after my brother fled for his life, she still communicated regularly with me. On one of her many missions to Lagos, just before my WAEC exams, she calls me to hook up with her, ostensibly to whine about getting my brother back (take note)…I stash a condom in my pocket and go out to meet her in the taxi and we drive to her lair. She sends some brain-washed muppet to go buy food and stuff from Mr. Biggs for me, so technically, what was left of my virginity/my prize semen was purchased for N2000 worth of Mr. Biggs.. Sigh! (At least, I got a better deal than Smith.. Who sells his birthright for some motherfucking PORRIDGE abeg????)
By and by, I make my move, and start fondling and groping. This idiot “geh” makes NO attempt at resistance, but she’s feigning igbo sobs and going on about how much she loves my bro. Do I give a fuck? No! So I peel down her panties and……………………………………
………………………………… and IT WAS AWFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It seems the aura of Lord Voldermort emerged from this girl’s crotch dammit! Oh sweet Jilzus! The stench was worse than dead camel! Fuck that shit, I bet if Smirgle from LOTR took a shit, and that poo vomited, and that puke didn’t take its bath for seven days and got a yeast infection, it would smell just like that!
The room changed color. The miasma of putrid injustice to the human eco-system hung stifled in the air and gave off a greenish haze/hue. A tear welled in my eye. But I remembered dad’s words again, “Never Quit!”, so I advanced.
That was when heaven made a last-ditch intervention, and a celestial being appeared to me and screamed, “HALT boy!!!”
… I paused, dick in hand.
“Son, if you fuck that girl, your WAEC result is going to be as fucked up as the Zimbabwean economy”..
**pause**…. Now that’s FUCKED UP! I thought. “What of if I just played around her coochie a little?” I countered.
… The angel thought for a bit, and then replied, “It wouldn’t be as bad sha… Just messed up like Nigeria’s economy”…
Tough one, I mused. “Ok, what if I abstain completely??”
“You still won’t get any “A’s”, he dropped.
MSCHEWWWWWW!!!! Omo, I gi am!!! As in, I jam the kpekus well!!
…For about 40secs that is… And then the sensation starts to overcome me. And oh my, it feels good, much better than my left hand has felt. And then I start to cry because it’s just too sweet. And………I bust my first nut inside a vagina (well, my dick was safely ensconced in a condom sha).
And then started worrying about where to dispose of the said condom because I didn’t want to leave my semen anywhere she could get a hold of it (briefly considered my jeans pocket **sheepish smile**)
And that, ladies and gentlemen, are the perverted accounts of how I lost my virginity!
Morale of the story: None!
Outcome of the Tryst: My WAEC result was FUCKED UP like Nigeria’s economy…dominated by credits (No pun intended) #End.
DISCLAIMER: Please no disrespect to the ladies and others who might feel offended by the “smelly coochie narratives”. I shouldn’t trivialize something so serious, which is why I am going to do a series on the cause and effects of smelly vee-jays. If u have any traumatic account to share, please feel free to hit me up on firstname.lastname@example.org
P.S. Guy goes into a bar. Big guy, but his head is the size of an orange. Goes up to the bartender, orders a beer. Bartender serves him and asks why a big guy like him has such a small head.
So the guy tells him his story:
He was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a genie lantern. Out comes this beautiful, beautiful genie who says, “I’ll grant you one wish…but i won’t sleep with you.”
Guy says, “Ok then, how ’bout a little head?”
Peace out mortals