There’s always that one girl in every boy’s life. The one who got away, the one he fucked up with, the one who fu(ked him over, the one who got stolen by someone because baba wasn’t serious, and the one that fu(ked him till he couldn’t anymore.

Some boys kiss and tell, and recently I started hearing “baba that girl do me till I tap out”. That’s not the kind of stories we hear a lot on.
I know boys who will tell you:

” I did her for like one hour straight. I was pounding her and she was calling me daddy. In my mind I was playing with the shiny white beads on her waist so I wouldn’t come quick. No be me be her papa na, so I put am for her body like woto woto”.

Then there are those who will be like:

“as we been de kiss, I just shyft her pynt chook my thing inside am, as she breathe in like say dem pour cold water for her body, I commot am chook am again.”

Stop doing stuff with boys who kiss and tell. Only boys kiss and tell. As a reader and since this is all fictional, I don’t kiss and tell. I swear on my side chicks existence.

Anyways, one of my lesser spoken about friends came to see me, and as we were together his phone rang. Now normally this man does not shy away from bad behaviors involving the other sex. He is the proper meaning of brhoe. No relationship, lots of money, tall, fine, smells like new money, drinks wine like a connoisseur allowing it rest pretty on the palate as a proper enthusiast who values the taste for eternity should, not like all those yongins (Me) who just drink Vino tinto with gusto without any form of appreciation.

I could see the name clearly, and I knew he had been begging her for just the tip since forever. As he ignored the call the second time I knew baba had committed evil. And in his own words,

I think say I like to fu(k, but I still de learn work where this girl de. Bros na she do me. As she start de kiss my junior, I just know say I done enter trouble, she take everything way commot swallow am like orange juice. As she climb me, use her left hand slide me inside, she start de pound me like thief way dem catch for market. She de raise her whole body bring everything down like hydraulic way dem de put for those Mexicans moto. E shock me when she make me lie down, raise my legs for air put am for her shoulder start de do me. I think say na rape dem de rape me.”

“Omoh!!” Was all I could say!

That wasn’t all. He proceeded to ruin my imagination further by describing it thus:

“As we been do first one finish, I stand up light my blunt, as I de drag am inside, she come put her lips on top junior again start de suck am. Bros I want choke! She give me sloppy head. For my life I never receive sloppy like that one. I maintain like say nothing de happen but e be like say she suck virtue commot from my body”.

Okay, I know we all said we love us a woman who is a freak. But see ehn, we are no longer 20. We don’t do this thing to die, it’s one of those sins some of us are breaking away from. Me like this na marriage material I be, I no de count bodies again.

I was truly hoping that was the end of the gist, at this point, I was unwittingly resonating to his story, konji is a bastard when you are hearing other people’s stories.

But NO!!! Man had to continue gisting me. He narrated it mildly out of fear than pleasure. He had faced a being he always believed was imaginary and the awe was intertwined with the fear of having to repeat an encounter he barely survived.

as I de lick her clits, she start de shake like say mammy water enter her body. She hold my head there like say she want make I enter de place. Bro, this girl de taste like vanilla ice cream. I just de suck am like bush man way just come down from mountain. I no gree commot my head from there till she release. After she come, I think say she go go, but sisi eko say she want sleep. As I use phone check time, I see say 11pm done pass I just close eyes crash.”

Now this is all too much info for my dirty mind. I was seeing it all happen in real time with him, and I asked him “you wear rubber?” Mumbling with resignation “as we start oh, i been wear den she come use her hand commot am start de do me like that.”

He now wanted to start telling me of the morning glory they had. For my sanity, I had to cut him short. “Bros abeg. Me way blue balls done chop finish for months you want add fire for my own wahala abi?” Single and chaste is supposed to be a real thing, but some friars of the holy calling have abandoned the creed for the inopportuned like us who must look for release in the comfort of writing down fantasies that stir others to evil.

Now I’m sad I didn’t listen to the story of his morning glory. It is by necessity that this story be incomplete. Like me, we shall never know how his morning was. That’s why I’d rather you ask me “hope you slept well?” And not “how was my night?” I slept alone while others where doing doings so go figure.

I am by morality bound to remind you that fornication is a sin. Adultery is a sin, and you will go to hell. By logic however, sex is a natural human thing. Do with this knowledge what you must.

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